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general Try to buy a house in Utah
by GoFuckYourself
gfd messages
(Jesus@godfuckingdamnit.com) on Aug 18, 2009 12:04:35 AM

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So the wife and I landed sweet jobs in Utah 2 years ago and we kissed goodbye to the college life, packed our clothes, burnt the milk boxes we called furniture and set up in what we assumed would be a short stay at some shithole apartment that smelled like goat cheese with a fat lady running an illegal daycare upstairs. The following is our experience of trying to buy a house in this fucked up state.
 
House #1
Everything we needed and then some, and under our price cap. It was for sale by owner which meant I didn't have to deal with an agent. I'll save for another day my hatred of those pricks. Anyway, when we bring an offer to Mr McGoo, he sits us down and asks if we were LDS. I barely even know what LDS stands for at this point but don't think it is any of his damn business. He goes on to say that he is the local bishop and feels it his duty to convert us to mormonism if we want to buy the house. At this point I think he's got to be fucking kidding me so I laugh and play along. He goes on for a few minutes before my eyes completely glaze over and roll into the back of my head. We excuse ourselves and tell him to think over the offer. He invites me and my wife to dinner. We practically ran out of there and never heard from the fucker again, but only because I didn't answer my phone when he called twice a day for two weeks with no mention of the offer, only that jebus has a message for me and that we are missing out on a great opportunity to be saved, holy shit...If I'd have only known then what mormonism was all about I would have told that pretentious self righteous asshole that I'd rather be dry fucked by Ron Jeremy 3 times a day than join his cult.

House #2.
A month or two goes by and we're growing weary of the slamming of pots from the screaming broods of failure upstairs. We make an offer on a house with a sweet back lot. He's asking 150. We offer 135. He counters with 165! WTF. I don't know how they do math here but now I'm convinced he's got to be a bishop-owner-agent. Either that or its a typo, so I call and he says he's pulling it off the market so he can subdivide it. I hope some soccer mom on her phone in an SUV plowed into his fucking car on the way home that night.

House #3
Long story short, we offer, they have another offer on same day. The sellers dumb cunt agent wants us to show up on the weekend to bid on the house against the other couple who wanted it. I had to restrain my wife from beating the bitch down. In hindsight, I should have let her, and maybe slipped a few kicks to ribs when nobody was looking.

House #4
More screaming upstairs.
Some preppy kid with a fauxhawk inherited the house from his grandpa. He did some light remodeling and was selling it off. We make an offer and he accepts and is prepared to hand over the keys within 30 days. Success!
Well, we show up at the title agency three days later and there is nothing there for us, they have no idea who we are. I call fauxhawk, and get some bullshit story that he lost the earnest money check. I smell a rat a and cancel the check and write the title company a new one on the spot and give them the paper work. The next day fauxhawk says he is voiding the contract because the title company didn't get the check and contract on time. The fucking idiot apparently doesn't know about carbon copy checkbooks, or the fact that he signed saying we gave him 1000 bucks. It turns out we gave him an offer less than 2 hours after he put the house on the market. We both know he can sell it for more than we paid if he left the for sale sign up for 24 hours. So I call his bluff and lock his ass up with a lien. Any twit with two active brain cells knows that a bank is not going to loan money to a property with a lien but DUMB-DUMB-FUCK-FACE, as we are now calling him, decides to sell the house, lien and all, to some poor unaware bastard. He finally gets that he can't sell it and we end up in mediation after 3 months of restraining myself from driving my car through his front door and ripping his fucking head out of his ass while beating his dumb bitch plastic girlfriend until her fake tits pop. We end up getting the difference in sale price plus an extra 10% just because I could. Its not my fault the little prick didn't do his homework before he put his house up on the market and I certainly didn't hold a gun to his pea sized head to sign the FULL PRICE OFFER we made him. The mediator, an ex judge, said we coulda bankrupted him if we wanted. Nothing would have made me happier, but that would have meant spending months with bottom feeding blood sucking lawyers, and I just don't have the stomach for it.

House #5
The wife is now clinically depressed and I'm starting to develop Tourette's Syndrome. The kids upstairs have started two fires, puked on our front step, left shit filled diapers on our back patio and there is a strange stain migrating down the wall. I'm imagining it as the rotting corpse of one of that fat ladies own children. We have now retained an agent and given her a list of shit we want in a house. After looking at an endless number of homes, none of which met half the items on the list and most of which I've already looked at, I GO OUT AND FIND A FUCKING HOUSE MYSELF. But now I have to let her do the deal since she is our agent. She gets 3% of the sale just for faxing some fucking papers to some other fuckhead who gets 3% for printing the fax. Where is the incentive to get me a good deal here? The fucking whore throws us under the bus because she knows we're desperate and we liked the house. But hey, fuck it right? The wife is smiling again and not up my ass every second about finding a house. We even broke in the night before closing and slept on the floor in front of the fireplace, looking back on it, I think that was the last moment I was truly happy.
The next day, I found it strange that not one motherfucker in the neighborhood stopped by while we were busting our backs moving in. At least say "hi", or see if I want some help with the couch. I haven't even gotten a wave from the bastards across the street in the last year and the only neighbor who has come to talk to us is some guy who calls himself a home teacher, he wants to talk about Jebus and Joseph Fucking Smith or some shit. I've told the missionaries to get the fuck off my property so many times it might be time to call the cops or introduce them to my beloved .44, Misty. These 12 year old little shits come to our door ever 4th Sunday for a "fast offering". Get this shit...I'm supposed to skip my breakfast and give the snotty little punk the money I would have spent on food. Fuck you, can't you see I'm hungover and need my doughnut and coffee. Turns out we're the only non mormons on the whole godamn block and nobody wants to talk to us since they don't see us in church.
Godfuckingdamnit! The housing market has tanked, my agent fucked me on the house and I couldn't sell it for what I owe, even with the upgrades and remodel, because this neighborhood has peaked and that cunt knew it and didn't tell me. So I'm stuck here in SUBURBIA HELL with a bunch of judgmental assholes who wouldn't call 911 if my fucking house was on fire. I hope somebody commits me to the loony bin soon because the Tourrette's is starting to draw attention at work and the supermarket. FUCK!!!

[ Comment on this story ]


    Thank you Great mormon god!
    by scarygermanguy(none@yourbusiness.com)
    gfd messages
    on Aug 19, 2009 12:03:49 AM
    (#27693)
    For sending this non-believer to our site so he can see your loving light of truth!



    Kidding...

    Great rant. I live literally down the street from a Jehovah's Witness Kingdom Hall. I feel your pain my heathen brother...
    [Reply to this comment]
      Comrade Cossack gold star
      by Cossack(The-weak-should@DIE.kill)
      gfd messages
      on Aug 19, 2009 11:31:27 AM
      (#27696)
      Once,(actually a few times) jehovahs witnesses came to my house.

      When I identified them as Jehovahs shit eaters I put on my trench coat and my ushanka. Each one with a hammer and sickle emblem pin on it. Designating me as soviet infantry. I opened the door with the song "The red army is the strongest" playing in the background.


      "Hello comrades!"

      "Hello neighbor."

      "You have come to my weekly class to learn about Karl Marx yes?"

      "Uh no actually we-"

      *pulls out flask and begins drinking*



      I then talked over them for a full minute about the different forms of communism.




      I think they died later.
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
      Holy shit thumbs up
      by GoFuckYourself(Jesus@godfuckingdamnit.com)
      gfd messages
      on Aug 19, 2009 11:29:18 PM
      (#27697)
      Why you gotta fucking remind me about the watchtower? I swear them motherfuckers are here as often as the little fags on the bicycles. Two instances stand out.

      A middle aged woman shows up at the door and starts her psychobabble. I was extrordinarily pie eyed so I let her talk, because quite honestly it was entertaining at the moment. She completed her shpeel and I didn't really hear anything worth responding to so I stood there and looked at her . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . FINALLY after an extremely awkward 20 - 40 seconds or so, I can't fucking take it anymore and ask her if she has anything more and she just stammers and stutters so I send her on her way. I don't think she had ever finished her sales call before and had no idea what to say next.

      Incident #2. Some 20ish chick and her mother rap on the door on a Saturday morning. The girl asks me all sorts of questions about why I no longer find the bible applicable to my life . . . and then proceeds to answer them for me . . . because its out of date, no longer current, etc. I didn't argue because I was staring at her fantastic set of tits, (even under the full wrist length blouse there was little doubt). When she asked if this was how I felt I told her, "No, I think its all a bunch of bullshit". A lot of stammering, but she thought I was agreeing with her because she wanted to know what part I didn't agree with. When I told her the whole thing including Jebus being a fantastic magician. You'd have thought I nailed the fucking Jew to the cross myself by their reaction. The good news is that was 8 months ago and the haven't been back. I think I'll try that one with the mormons next time they come by.
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
        Fantastic set of tits
        by The Gaborg(Sidekick in my own life)
        gfd messages
        on Aug 25, 2009 04:54:36 AM
        (#27723)
        Dude, they're doing that down here too!
        Witnesses were relatively quiet for a couple of years, but now they've relaunched their marketing campaign and they just Keep. Sending. Hot chicks. To my fucking door!
        Smart motherfuckers, I really didn't see that one coming.
        [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
    thank you
    by FuckedWife(fuckmerunnin'@marriagesucks.co)
    gfd messages
    on Aug 24, 2009 12:48:48 PM
    (#27715)
    I hate to benefit at someone else's expense, but you made me laugh for the first time today.

    Buying a home is equivalent to at least one of Dante's levels of hell and apparently in Utah it comes with the LDS hell as a bonus.

    I'm so sorry and thanks for sharing.
    [Reply to this comment]
    Do you think you would join if
    by Cossack(The-weak-should@DIE.kill)
    gfd messages
    on Aug 25, 2009 11:53:59 AM
    (#27739)
    The deal was you got to fuck the astonishingly hot chick at the door every night?

    I might for a while. Then I'd escape and become a world famous billionaire movie star/super hero.
    [Reply to this comment]
      Not a chance in hell
      by GoFuckYourself(Jesus@godfuckingdamnit.com)
      gfd messages
      on Aug 28, 2009 11:11:33 AM
      (#27749)
      Have you seen the girls in Utah? They are smokin hot but dumber than a box of hair. In fact, when they make them down at the mormon wife factory they stamp on their ass - BODY BY FISHER BRAINS BY MATTEL - They also encode into their DNA not to make eye contact or conversation with the heathen population.
      They latch onto the loser that they dated in high school as soon as he returns from his mission and start popping out baby's like a slow pitch softball machine. Walk around town and you can pick them out. Its a pudgy guy with glasses in a polo shirt and khakis with blonde MILF following him with a double decker stroller. There are soooo many mismatched couples here.
      So in that regard, I gotta hand to the mo's, they developed a system that allows each man to be handed a gorgeous wife like its a birthright or something. Too bad they don't also issue the poor girl a brain as well, oh thats right, cuz if she could develop an independent thought she'd be like, "What the fuck am I doing? There has got to be more to life than serving this loser husband and polluting the world with his retarded children".
      Same goes for the Jehovah's. I'd say the best reason to join them is so that I wouldn't have to buy presents anymore. That would save 5 days of my life every year and a grand or so.
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
    Come to think of it...
    by The Gaborg(Sidekick in my own life)
    gfd messages
    on Aug 25, 2009 06:15:20 PM
    (#27740)
    "...nobody wants to talk to us since they don't see us in church."?

    Mormons not talking to me sounds like a pretty sweet deal, man!

    But maybe I'm just the antisocial type..., any neighbor not wanting to talk to me sounds appealing at this point of my life.
    [Reply to this comment]
    FUCK UTAH
    by lbrtylvr
    gfd messages
    on Aug 29, 2009 07:40:04 PM
    (#27757)
    Fuck everything about utah.
    [Reply to this comment]
    Thanks for the great story!
    by erober99(erober99@yahoo.com)
    gfd messages
    on Aug 30, 2009 07:12:29 PM
    (#27760)
    I feel your pain brother! My wife and I went through a similar HELL here in PA. We had a Realtor who was the poster child for "Incompetent". Not only was she the dumbest person I have ever met, she also seemed to have the interest of the seller in mind and not mine. She also convinced me that I needed a bloodsucking lawyer to handle the transaction. That was completely unecessary and more $$ than I should have ever spent. On top of the fact that she was a completely usesless bitch, she could not find her way from one house to another. She was driving a SAAB but couldn't bust out $150.00 for a GPS, so WE had to lead her to most of the houses, which we found ourselves. Shortly after that, my wife was so disgusted with her, she became a Realtor herself. I know you have a lot of negative to say about realtors, and I'm with you on some levels, but My wife is honest and works her ass off for her clients. She had one in particular that was her client for over a year, and whom she showed well over 100 houses. She is different than the "norm" as far as Realtors go.

    So the first house we found we liked and put an offer in. Everything was set, we put the offer in, it was accepted and the deal was done but for the closing. MY wife quit her job anticipating finding work in the new home and we cut ties with our landlords in the home we were renting (that's another bullshit deal that went crazy, another story for me too); then the fuckin' piece of shit asshole that we were buying from decided that "he didn't want to sell it anymore"... word was, he had a lawsuit against his employer and won some sort of settlement, then decided he no longer had to sell his house. Meanwhile, my wife and I with 3 kids in tow were now FUCKED, and he could give a shit less. So the ass fucker went and got himself a lawyer, who promised to tie it up in court and make this drag on forever. Anyone reading this who is a lawyer; I have SEVERAL more lawyer / attorney stories to back up why you are all bloodsucking cock licking scumbags, so stay tuned. So now we have to BEG our fucking landlords to let us stay longer, who are already pissed off because we broke the lease early (and later had to go to court with them, again, see my future rant on lawyers); they finally agree and although tensions are high, we have someplace to stay for at least another 30 days. MY lawyer (great job asshole) tells me that I might as well concede because they will just tie it up in court forever (translation: you're fucked, I'm lazy and you can't afford me). SO we start looking for another house and in a rush we find a home in a town nearby. It seems like a nice house and the neighborhood looks nice enough. It took only about half a school year to find out that people here "don't like out of towners".... fact is, there are a couple of neighbors here that are really nice genuine and good people, but for the most part it is full of closed minded, low brow, clique fucking pedestrian road kill fucking maggots. If they don't know you from "way back" you aint gettin nowhere! Fucking morons. Saddest part of it all is that I am a military guy. I have spent 16 years of my life defending this country and all it stands for. Problem is, and I have never had this thought before, but It ACTUALLY crossed my mind that the worst part of being a soldier is that I have to defend the freedom of each and every person, even if they are a low-life piece of shit fucking asshole. Oh well, I still do and and will continue to do so for many years; unless I get blowed the fuck up in A-stan or something, in which case I will haunt all of the fuckbag pricks for as long as I can. Have a nice Day !!! :)
    [Reply to this comment]
      Nicely done
      by GoFuckYourself(Jesus@godfuckingdamnit.com)
      gfd messages
      on Sep 2, 2009 11:14:15 PM
      (#27772)
      Good rant, even in reply to a rant. I'll be looking for your lawyer bashing, there are surprising no good ones here.
      Good luck to you and thanks for your service. It sounds like you're on the homestretch now. I'd be hitting 12 years this year but I couldn't take the bullshit and bailed after one enlistment. Cashed in on that GI bill for sure though.
      Update on my realtor (maybe you can tell me why that is supposed to be capitalized since your wife is one, who the fuck capitalizes their job title like its so goddamnfucking important?). . . Anyway, the bitch couldn't hack it and had to get a real job. I ran into her husband at a mutual friends house and she was home SLEEPING at 7pm on a Wednesday after having put in a full 3 consecutive days worth of honest work. It sucks to have to work for a living, the fucker had no response to that comment, just a courtesy chuckle and a dirty look. Bwahaha. GoFuckYourself
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]

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