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|Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce that as of today, I am seeking election for President of these United States on the Republican ticket.|
|Looking at the news of the day, you can see that the nation is in a shambles. Crime, immorality, and poverty reign as never before. What this country needs is a strong leader with convictions beyond that of normal men, not these mamby-pamby candidates whining for their shot at the big chair. Buncha pussies one and all!|
Therefore I present the following platform that, if elected, I will enact post haste:
On my first day in office, I vow to sign legislation that will bring American employment to 100% by the end of 2012. How? Simple. I advocate enslaving the unemployed. They're just sitting around anyway, probably wasting time playing World of Warcraft or "occupying" some tree fort or something. Put the lazy bastards to work, I say.
Now, just to be clear, I'm not saying we should enslave people based on their race. That would be wrong! But remember: the Founding Fathers had slaves. Clearly they intended us to have them too.
SECURING THE BORDER
As President, I vow to annihilate Mexico in nuclear fire by 2015. And Canada, just to be on the safe side. Let's see those terrorists try to cross a radioactive wasteland to get into America!
I believe in the penultimate sanctity of life. No child should be disallowed a chance to live because of abortion, birth control, or any other reason. This is why I am advocating a position of legalizing rape. Why, just think of all the beautiful children who have never had a chance at life because of all the women who won't have sex with me! It's no different from murder as I see it.
This in turn will render pornography totally unnecessary. YOU'RE WELCOME, Santorum.
A moon base? That's the best you've got, Gingrich? BO-RING. How about I'LL build a fucking amusement park inside a mega-mall on the surface of the sun, you overgrown Cabbage Patch Kid? WHAT NOW?
I believe completely in the sanctity of marriage as defined in the Bible. "Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another, even to him who is raised from the dead, that we should bring forth fruit unto God." Romans 7:4, bitches. Clearly, the only correct marriage is a marriage to Jesus himself. Therefore I vow to annul all existing marriages, gay AND straight, since they clearly go against the will of the Lord.
BRINGING THE TROOPS HOME
I vow on my grandmother's grave that by 2013, every single troop deployed in a combat situation will be on American soil. This I will accomplish by making Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya and Uganda the 51st through 54th states.
As you can clearly see, none of the other Republican candidates are willing to take the tough stances I am. While they cry about Puerto Ricans not speaking English and build their underground mansions, I'm set to start cracking skulls on the first day of office.
The Chisa 2012: Change You Can't Fucking Believe.