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petty complaints Did You Check up Your Ass?
by GMFTatsujin
gfd messagesAIM
(Ask and ye shall receive) on Oct 29, 2002 12:42:17 PM

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Losing things is only nominally more infuriating than somebody trying to help you find them.
 
I couldn't find my wallet this morning. I hate that.

So, as is my wont when I'm confused, I stood in the living room, patting my pockets down in the universal gesture of "where the hell did I put that thing" as I thought to myself where the hell I could have put that thing. I had checked my jacket. I had checked on the bedstand. I had checked in all the places I usually put my wallet.

My wife - lawd bless her, I love her - walked up to me and asked what I was looking for. I said I couldn't find my wallet. Then she did the infuriating thing:

She asked, "Where do you remember seeing it last?"

I can't fucking *stand* that. My anger wells up from deep soul crevices I didn't even know I had. The blood rises in my face like a thermometer just before my ears start puffing out smoke.

There are so many ways to exacerbate that question, I can't even begin to count them. Things like, "in my hands before I put it down" inevitably come to mind. "Why didn't *I* think of that?" Or, "yes, it was perfectly balanced on the tip of my boot before I kicked it up your rectum." The civility filter, the only thing standing between my brain and a well-deserved whalloping, kicks into overdrive. Must... Hold... Tongue...

I hate everything about other people trying to help me find things I've lost. The impulse to ask questions like "where did you see it last" carries far too parental a feeling for me. It must stem from early childhood, when you really could lose things and honestly have no idea about how to find them again. "Did you look in your pockets" is a valid question when you're three years old, because pockets really are fucking magic to you at that point. You can put stuff in your clothes and it *won't fall out.*

Problem is, see, I'm not three any more. I'm about *that* many [opens and closes both hands in rapid succession three times] years old now. I learned my lesson about how to find things back in kindergarten. I had put my binky down so that I could eat the musilege with both of my little hands, and when I was done, binky was gone. I cried and cried and cried until I stood up and discovered I'd been sitting on it the whole time. Needless to say, I haven't let binky out of my fucking sight since then, and only on rare occasions do I stop sucking on the one corner. I've learned my fucking lesson, Jack. The first place I always look for something is under my ass, and it's saved my cat's life on a number of occasions.

If you've got to ask questions of a person whose lost something, at least make them useful. Something like "why are you so fucking scatterbrained" might be considered crass initially, but would be more appreciated in the long run because it gets to the heart of the problem. Why *am* I so scatterbrained? I could spend years meditating on that one, and when enlightenment finally comes, I'd realize that worldly posessions are but things of mist compared to the Eternal Now, that time is a ribbon of pearls each reflecting the other, and that material things are illusions created by fear. Having let go of my fear, I realize that there *is* no wallet, and thus, never have to worry about losing it. Mu.

That, or I starve to death, freezing on a mountain in Tibet. Either way, case closed.

Too often, the problem of finding things comes down to one of fixation. There are only so many places you can look before you start looking at them all over again, in sequence, because that's where things *should be* and we can't imagine them being anywhere else. We fail to expand the possibilities. Thus, the search pattern becomes a holding pattern - pockets, jacket, hamper, desk. Pockets, jacket, hamper, desk. Like we're going to spot something we missed, some hidey-hole that has up until now gone unseen in these once-familiar places. Searchers need something to break them out of their routine and start considering other places that things could hide in.

I've found that screeching "LOOK OUT! NINJA!" at the top of my lungs while the wife wonders where she hid her tampons to be, in all, pretty helpful. It shakes her out of her routine, and while she pummels me into a black-and-blue mess, inspiration strikes. The week following is spent with my wife in a temper and me in traction, which is fine because I didn't want to have sex with her during that week anyway. Everybody wins, especially my chiropractor.

You're probably wondering where my wallet was. It was in my backpack. I remembered it was in my backpack when I started thinking about where I'd last seen it. Rest assured, gentle reader, that I will not make the mistake of putting it in my backpack again. After all, now YOU ALL know where I put it. And I don't trust a one of you, not one lick. Fucking ninjas.

GMFTatsujin


[ Comment on this story ]


    Wallet story
    by Gwydion
    gfd messages
    on Oct 30, 2002 06:11:48 PM
    (#2094)
    I lost a really nice wallet of mine about 8 months ago. Suddenly after I moved out of my old apartment (to a new better one), I get a call from a girl who lives in my old place. She says Safeway mailed her a wallet. MY wallet. Weird. SOOO, I go over, grab the wallet, and wonder WHY THE FUCK SAFEWAY TOOK 8 MONTHS TO GET MY WALLET BACK TO ME? Why BOTHER after that long? jesus.
    [Reply to this comment]
      Just out of curiousity
      by GMFTatsujin(Ask and ye shall receive)
      gfd messagesAIM
      on Oct 31, 2002 11:58:54 AM
      (#2101)
      Was anything valuable still in it? ID, credit cards, etc?

      Hey -- somebody could be using your library card *right now*, and not returning any of the books until really really late. That's just devious, man. I think they take it out of your taxes or something.

      Just funnin'.
      GMFTatsujin
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
      8 months?
      by irni(gfd@ctrl-alt-fuckoff.com)
      gfd messagesAIMYahooMSN
      on Oct 31, 2002 03:30:25 PM
      (#2102)
      there was a guy in the news recently who lost his wallet in 1977 while rock climbing. He fell and lost his wallet. Well 25 years later someone found it. It was still intact and had his library card and id and some other stuff in it. The person who found it looked him up on the internet to send it back.
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
        a friend...
        by Microsoft Bob(spamburrito@gmail.com)
        gfd messagesAIMICQ
        on Jan 5, 2003 02:05:20 AM
        (#3481)
        Lost his wallet in the desert.

        Some 14 years later, it was found with nothing in it but the drivers license, in a drug trafficking building. The police came and talked to him for like 8 hours about it (He has a bizarre record).
        /Bob
        [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
    Say...
    by SkippyZone(scottryman@gmail.com)
    gfd messages
    on Nov 7, 2002 08:15:21 PM
    (#2178)
    Have your seen my hat? I can never find my hat. Even if I'm wearing it, it seems to evade my senses.
    [Reply to this comment]
    doesn't that make you feel stupid?
    by BrightShadow(candiebaby0620@yahoo.com)
    gfd messagesYahoo
    on Jan 4, 2003 04:40:31 PM
    (#3472)
    I always feel like a complete moron when I am looking for my glasses and, then I suddenly "find" them on my face.
    [Reply to this comment]
      oh my gourd
      by vivica mirrors(wheres_my_cheese@hotmail.com)
      gfd messagesAIM
      on Jan 13, 2003 02:38:12 AM
      (#3715)
      that happens to me all the fucking time! I've been wearing my glasses for less then a year so I'm just not used to the idea. What's with feeling blind when you've jut woken up even though you have your glasses on already? Now tell me you have done this because I know I am not the only one...Do you ever walk into the shower forgetting that your classes are on?
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
        Happens to me all the time...
        by kko
        gfd messages
        on Jan 13, 2003 01:14:04 PM
        (#3725)
        and I've been wearing glasses for 7 years...
        I also walk into the shower with my glasses on.....
        [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
    You should have looked in the cotton ball bag in the bathroom drawer
    by cazualdiva(cazualdiva@notmail.com)
    gfd messages
    on Feb 24, 2007 02:04:00 AM
    (#23525)
    That's where Hubby found his the morning after a party.

    He didn't find it before ordering everyone still at the house to search for it and questioning "what kind of people" might have been here. I asked him several times if he didn't maybe, just maybe, hide it while in the grip of drunken paranoia logic. "NO, for the last time! Damnit! I didn't fucking hide it..."

    And then he remembered the cotton ball solution.
    [Reply to this comment]
    Mafia City H5
    by asunaxing(yifanxiexing@gmail.com)
    gfd messages
    on Sep 13, 2018 10:08:23 PM
    (#33582)
    I just re-install this mafia games free. My phone's system got a crash. But i can't go back to my account. You don't give any login option at there. Only switch acc but nothing to do with that, coz it can overwrite my real one. So tell me how to login. I use google acc.
    [Reply to this comment]

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