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|It's time for my quarterly rant about how much I fucking hate alcohol!|
|This time I'm going to take a slightly different approach and list some things I like 10,000X more than a drunk person. |
1. ALL REPUBLICANS
I'd fucking kiss Donald Rumsfeld on the mouth and sneak a hand down his pants before I'd hang out with a drunk. I'd happily fondle his evil wrinkled nuts for hours to avoid the cloudy gaze of some bar-hopping halfwit.
At least with a venomous snake bite you know where you stand..you might die, you might lose your leg, and you might have permanent nerve damage, but god damn it you'll still have your self respect.
Sure it's a massive waste of time, makes you stupid, makes you fat, makes you lose empathy for your fellow man, and lowers your chances of ever being taken seriously by your peers, but you really can quit television any time without life-threatening detox, and I could probably catch you watching TV and carry on some kind of rational, non-clownstyle conversation.
4. RELIGIOUS FANATICS
Bring 'em on! I'd disco with the Branch Davidians *AS THE ATF IS FIRE BOMBING US* before I'd spend another second of my life watching someone I love get ripped and revert into an idiot half-human shambles puking in my back yard. The religious loons will remember what happened the next day, and standing there bleeding amidst the smoldering ruins of their life they won't swear that it's YOU who really has the problem.
5. YOUTUBE COMMENTS
As low and base and nonsensical as they are, people commenting on Lil' Wheezy's latest abomination can STILL STRING WORDS TOGETHER IN A WAY THAT MAKES SOME FRACTION OF SENSE. Listening to a drunk babble on and on about their escapades makes me wish I was born with giant warts where my ears should be..I'd rather hear nothing more again ever than a drunken soliloquy about how they "really really love me, man...no REALLY...you jusht don't know..you fucking *hic* assholenoonecares aboutme BARRRRRRRRRF"
So yeah, that's the rant, more or less. Drunks and alcohol are a scourge on the earth and the source of 98.532% of all the bad human interactions I've ever had. I can look at any terrible event in my life and alcohol is standing right there grinning like an imbecile, swearing that it's just a coincidence he's involved.
So by all means have a glass of wine here and there, enjoy that mojito on a hot summer's day, whatever..it's fine and actually pretty healthy. But cross that line into Drunky McShitsmypants territory and I'll put you in the same mental folder that I reserve for cancer and Alzheimer's, and good luck crawling back out.