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people Dear Millennials: yes, in fact, you are totally fucking awful
by TheChisa
gfd messages
(come@me.bro) on May 11, 2016 05:29:56 PM

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It's not just a stereotype; it's a provable fact.
 
Here's why you're the worst generation:

You hate anything that is not youth. You despise old people and mock them at every chance you get, hissing at them from afar like cowardly snakes. In fairness, some of us deserve your hate; after all, we raised you, so it's our own fault you're so intolerable. There are exceptions to your loathing of the elderly, of course, and all of those exceptions are Bernie Sanders.

You are all Social Justice Warriors, which I think may be the world's first three-way oxymoron if you don't count "Vacation Bible School". You absolutely despise racism, sexism, and bigotry, and you will see it utterly destroyed even if you have to use racism, sexism, and bigotry to do it. You hate anything offensive, except when it's you that's doing the trolling. You are definitely no fun at parties (by which I mean spontaneous collections of human beings who enjoy each others' company, for which there is literally no part of that definition that describes you).

You live in a world that has always, ALWAYS had the internet. You're so comfortable with being online that you don't actually own any of your data, listening to songs on "the cloud" which sounds like something from a goddamn Anne McCaffery novel. You fine-tune the incoming deluge of news and gossip like a DXer trying to pick up Cairo, and I am absolutely certain you have no idea what that reference means without Googling it. You don't even capitalize "Googling" anymore.

At the same time, you are constantly one-upping each other with how ridiculously and hypocritically Luddite you can be. You love cassette Walkmans (Walkmen?) and original Game Boys (Games Boy?) and anything else that takes the convenience out of your ubiquitously technological world, somehow missing the entire point that the reason those things were beloved in the first place was because THEY were the height of technology. You are like a plague of ironic archeologists.

You think "living authentic" means dressing like a 19th century hobo/lumberjack and falling into insultingly heteronormative stereotypes. You laud being diverse and original and accepting and yet you all somehow look exactly the same, which is like a model from a 90s Calvin Klein advertisement. You could pretty much be five people cloned a million times, like that one episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, and I doubt anyone would notice a difference. And you're all so impossibly fucking SKINNY. Seriously, how do you do it? Cocaine? I'll bet it's cocaine.

You are snobs without class, experts without wisdom, visionaries without vision. You have all the affectations of an artist but none of the suffering that produces truly great art. You go out of your way to be hilariously weird only to end up right back at tragically normal. You are the furthest thing from a SubGenius I can imagine, and that's including Newt Gingrich.

And you're SO GODDAMN EMBARRASSINGLY BORING! Jesus, on and on you drone about the most banal horseshit, all day, every day, to anyone who will stop for half a millisecond to listen. Your whole generation is like the girl in high school who got elected class president and thinks everyone likes her for her insightful ideas on budgeting for a class trip to the Smithsonian. (Spoiler: we like her for her tits.) You are exactly what happens when an entire era of people is never told "no." You are one collective dog licking its own testicles in front of the guests.

Grow the fuck up, already. Christ.

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