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cars the nintarimobile: factory equipped with an idiot magnet
by GFDman
gfd messagesAIM
(mike at godfuckingdamnit point com) on Feb 6, 2003 03:32:12 PM

If you were logged in, you could vote for this story!

Why is it that I can never seem to keep my ride in one piece for more than a month after I get it?
First of all, alright, okay, okay. I have a confession to make.

I ... I ... like nice cars.

No, I'm not one of those nascar-watching grease monkey types, nor do I spend hours on end in my garage wanking off under the hood. No, I don't spend my time convening at gas stations, or re-enacting a scene from 'THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS'. We all know those kids. We all want to kill them.

It's okay. Really. I'm on your side.

Still don't get it? ... Hmm. Okay. I, quite simply, like nice cars. Likey when dey pretty. Likey when dey go fast. Likey when dey play muh music real nice-like. Make happy feeling in muh tummy.

I enjoy the simple pleasure of opening the door to the garage and finding the car right where I left it, squeaky clean and flawless, as if whispering softly, "Drive me! I luv u!" ... It's one of those few things that I can count on in my GFD-ridden day-to-day life.
Fair enough, right? Okay. Let me ask you, then.


I'm not kidding. Ever since I've graduated from my first shitter (A red subaru that both sounded and performed like a lawnmower. me 'n' anal0gue, who had a similar dumpster mobile, used to hit each other for fun at red lights.) to a new car, someone has seen fit to shatter my little illusion of automotive perfection within a month or two after it's purchase. A bit of history?


Ah, my big, long, smooth, powerful, black ... uh ... pretty car :). 320 horsepower of spine-snapping power. 500 watts of ear-damaging stereo. I loved this car. Don't blame me. I was spoon-fed episodes of knight rider as a young'n ... hell, my parents even got me one of those pedal-powered mini knight riders. I was pre-programmed to obtain this vehicle, and I did, and it was great, until ...


Yep. some cranked-up kid ran a stop sign and slammed into the driver-side door. Once I had determined that my girlfriend and I were alright, I stepped out of my car, walked up to his, and proceded to channel a demon from the seventh level of hell directly OUT of my mouth and IN to his soul. Such words cannot be repeated. 'Timmy' (I didn't care to catch his name. All those that wrong me are automatically given that name.) didn't get out of his car, he just kind of sat and stared in my general direction, mouth agape and eyes opened about as wide as I've ever seen any. In retrospect, I feel a bit bad for him. Poor kid probably shit himself.

Anyway, yeah. That fucking sucked. The car was all blasted up, and the body shop did a shit job of fixing it. She never drove right again.

But wait, there's more! As if that wasn't enough, a few months later came incident #2.

Let me set this one up for you. It's great.

One lovely summer evening, I was driving home after doing something or another. The car's T-Tops were out, and I was feelin' pretty good. My tunes was jammin' (a Bogdan album), and all was right in the world. So right, in fact, that ol' Jesus decided it was time to drop a load right in my mouth to knock me back down into that oh-so-familiar rut we call "SUBURBAMERICAN REALITY".


Flashy lights in the rear view. Is that bacon you smell? ... You're goddamn right@! This is AMERICA, son! Pull over.

Me: Greetings, Officer. Is something the matter?
Officer Guy "Whitey" Corngood: Yes. I heard your stereo from more than 50 feet away.
Me: ... Oh. ... Okay. I thought maybe I had done something wrong.
Officer Guy "Whitey" Corngood: You did. That's a noise violation.

[in a span of 3 seconds, 4 honda civics drive by with 10000439234watt subwoofers bumping. Irony much?]

Me: ... What about those guys?
Officer Guy "Whitey" Corngood: Uh ... An officer down the road will get them.
Me: Ohhhhkayyy... Well uh, I was under the impression that the noise ordinance
in the city of newark did not go in to effect until after 9pm. ... It's currently 5pm.
Officer Guy "Whitey" Corngood: Doesn't matter. Here's your $150.00 ticket. Move along.


Needless to say, I was _slightly_ peeved after that incident. But, enough about that. Lets fast forward to the next incident, which occurred ...


Ohhhhhh yes, baby. This is sweEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET! Check it.

The scene: Continuing to drive home, now pissed about the ticket I got for 'LISTENING TO MUSIC TOO LOUD'. Blah, blah.

Oh. What's this I see in my rear view mirror? A local R1CE B0Y!? Yep! Hm. He appears to be tailgating me ... That's annoying. He's awful close. Grr. Uhp, stop sign ahead. Better slow down so as to stop at the stop sign and not cause any harm to people or property! (SEE ABOVE.) ... Stop.


Yep. Yep. Yep. Have you ever seen He-Man do the 'I have the power' thing? Friend, Multiply that by 8911283891289123892, change 'I have the power', to


and you will have what was spewed forth from me at that moment. Birds scattered from trees. The ground shook. Blood pressure? Through the muthafuckin' roof.

As I stepped from my car, I prayed to the god that I very rightfully did not believe in to grant me the strength to not splatter a motherfucker's brain all over the road. Things did not look good for Timmy Number 2.

I took a look at the car. The entire rear end was smashed, my tailpipes were bent down to the road. The paraplegic was now a quadraplegic.

Me: WHAT ... THE .... FUCK.
Lil' Thug Timmy: *steps out of his car* Oh, fuck man.
Me: Yeah, you could say that.
Lil' Thug Timmy: Shit. ... That's the third accident I been in this month! Mah momz is gunna be PISSED, yo!

Lets hit the "pause" button again here. Single celled organisms can get drivers licenses these days!? What the FUCKITY FUCK FUCK!?

At this point, I basically had two options. A.) Flip lid. Snap timmy over knee. - or - B.) Conclude that I was cursed, get back in my car, and repeat 'what the fuck' over and over until something else happened. Although 'A' seemed the most appealing option, 'B' seemed pretty damn true at this point, so I ended up going with that one. Moments later, one of Newark's Finest(tm) showed up on the scene. Oh boy. As it was quite obvious that I was the one who, quite literally, got fucked up the ass, she approached me first.

Officer: What happened here?

Picture me at this point. Muscles tensed, gripping the steering wheel, head shaking back and forth like an angry autistic demon. I had to respond.

Me: What happened? ... I'll tell you what happened. That fucking idiot kid back there tailgated me for a quarter mile and then crashed into the back of my car!

Out of the corner of my eye, I see her hand move slowly towards her nightstick.

Officer: Hey, hey, HEY. Calm down, pal. We don't want to have ANOTHER accident.

Can you fucking believe this shit? ... I should have pulled out her gun and shot MYSELF in the head.

Me: *speechless due to befuddlement beyond the capacity for rational thought*

Officer: Yeah, uh, turn the car on and pull into this parking lot over here.

So I did, as the remnants of the backend of the my car scraped and sparked across the blacktop. The Officer went and talked to the kid. I, meanwhile, had a little chat with myself about how I was quite simply completely fucked, and needed to calm down so that I might have some chance of getting the fuck home before I lost a limb and/or was struck by lightning.

After a long while she eventually came back to tell me that the accident was obviously not my fault, and that the kid had been given a ticket. I was instructed to now exchange insurance information with him. During this little transaction, Lil' Thug Timmy decided to try and strike up some conversation.

Lil' Thug Timmy: Yo, that is a fine ride you got there.
Me: ... yeah ... it was.
Lil' Thug Timmy: Yo, can you pop the hood so I can see the engine?

SHORE!! THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA. LETS BE FRIENDS. AFTERWARDS, I CAN PUNCH YOUR MOTHER IN THE FACE AND WE CAN GO OUT FOR ICE CREAM. ... Of course, that's just what I was thinking. What ended up coming out of my mouth was a very disgusted ".... No."

I did end up getting home, and the next fun part was dealing with this kid's insurance company. If anyone has gone through this before, you probably know where I'm going with this. It always goes the same way:

Insurance Company: Hi. We'd like to replace the parts on your (new) car with used parts and shit that's not even supposed to go on your car. How does that sound to yo- ... what? You want new parts? .. Oh. Ha ha. No. :-) ... I'm sorry, sir, it's our policy to fuck you. :-) ... This is what we can do for you sir. I'm sorry, sir. Yes. I know sir. I'm sorry :-)

Needless to say they ended up doing a shit job, and, once again, the car is fucked up for all eternity.

A year or two passes, and I start getting the feeling that the hull is about to breach, which brings us to the ...


As far as the love for cars go, I think my buddy notlad and I are pretty much on the same page, so, when he suggested that I test drive a G35, I took a look at my now fucked up trans am and figured "why not". Long story short, I liked it a lot, and decided to trade in the trans am and get it. This was at the end of November in 2002.

Our anticlimactic ending brings us to a few days ago. Visited a friend. Parked the car. Came out later, car has a softball-sized dent in the bumper. Looks like someone kicked it. The temporary tags are still on the car.

God. Fucking. Damnit.

And that's the end ... for now! I'm sure as I pull out of the body shop after having the bumper 'fixed', an anvil will fall from the sky.

I hope you have found this long-winded account of my shitty luck with cars entertaining. If you're thinking "Buh... buht that's not godfuckingdamnit enough! People are starving in micronesia!", please e-mail me your address so that I can come to your house and stab you in the eye with a spoon.


[ Comment on this story ]

    Best GFD ever.
    by zaxon(huk~)
    gfd messagesMSN
    on Feb 6, 2003 03:48:51 PM
    Period. I could feel the spleen from where I sit.
    [Reply to this comment]
    good bejesus
    by NotLad(
    gfd messages
    on Feb 6, 2003 04:09:02 PM
    this story brought tears to my eyes. i could go on about how i had a similar experience with my move from the maxima (that got hit) to the altima (that got hit 5 times) to the volvo s60 (that got hit) to the g35 coupe (that better not get hit or i'm going to jail for murder), but i won't because my little problems can't even compare. my cars have been hit a total of 7 times now, and EVERY time my car was parked in a damned parking lot. i've never been in one of my cars when the damage was done. its just dumb ass non-driving people that shouldn't be allowed to live that like to hit my cars. like nintariman, i love my car. now i park 0.5 miles away from where ever i'm going as a meager attempt to keep her looking new. for some reason assholes in beat up cars like to park just as far away and place their cars 2 inches from mine to virtually guarantee that they will hit her upon entry of their "vehicle". nevermind the fact that the rest of the parking lot is empty. luckily my sweet g35 hasn't been hit yet, but i know its going to happen some day. dear lord bejesus protect my sanity (and keep my arse out of jail) when it does.
    [Reply to this comment]
    Oh, please.
    by Gribble
    gfd messages
    on Feb 6, 2003 04:19:02 PM
    It's just a car. It's not even an extention of your persoanlity, really.

    Though for the fine job of communicating you did on this story, I give you an 8. Even if the subject is stupid.
    [Reply to this comment]
      oh and your car stereo is?
      by cxreg(
      gfd messagesAIM
      on Feb 6, 2003 04:21:58 PM
      gimme a fucking break
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
        Now, now
        by SlickyPink(
        gfd messagesAIM
        on Feb 6, 2003 04:24:31 PM
        Gribble's car stereo is an extension of Gribble's personality ONLY to the extent to which Gribble can't be bothered to care about anything but whether it will get the job done and not invite people to break into the GribbleMobile. Gribble's car stereo is an extension of Gribble's personality because, other than once a week, it's locked down on NPR.
        [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
        what do you expect
        by irni(
        gfd messagesAIMYahooMSN
        on Feb 6, 2003 04:25:10 PM
        from a dirty hippie cunt? :)
        [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
      by GFDman(mike at godfuckingdamnit point com)
      gfd messagesAIM
      on Feb 6, 2003 04:24:12 PM
      already know your address. :)
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
      by NotLad(
      gfd messages
      on Feb 6, 2003 04:31:01 PM
      i can't believe you just said that.

      silly girl. don't you know anything about phallic extensions? how much closer to a man's personality can you get?

      many of you know, nintari and i have the same type of car (phallic extension, whatever). no matter how fucked up my day is, i know that all will be well when i get in my car. as soon as i hear that beautiful exhaust i forget about all of my worries. the person that injured his baby took that away from him. if that's not a GFD, i don't know what is.

      ....silly girl.
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
      I gotta agree.
      by TheChisa(come@me.bro)
      gfd messages
      on Feb 6, 2003 04:37:55 PM
      No one's going to cry at your funeral because you had a nice car.

      This is why I have never owned a car. Well, except for that one...
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
      Gotta agree
      by Miguelito(
      gfd messagesAIM
      on Feb 8, 2003 07:27:54 PM
      Just relax a little. Hell, I had my car less then 3 months when some little bastard egged it. It was during (and I believe this is not at all a coincidence) the Xgames street luge which was less then a 1/2 mile from our house. Sure, I was a little pissed at the time, but more so because it was a pain to clean, and I was mostly pissed at my Aunt. I was pissed at her because she'd been at the house (it was a family get together) for an hour before saying "oh yeah, I noticed your car lookes like it was just egged when I got here.. you might want to go clean that up." Thanks alot for waiting until it was all dried on from sitting in the sun!

      The thing I start to wonder is how the hell do some of you end up getting hit so many times? I can think of 1 time in my life (and maybe 4 or 5 counting before I was born) that my family (4 of us immediate, plus another 6 locally extended) has been hit (not counting door dings in parking lots.. that happens to everyone).

      And no, we don't drive like slow-ass grandpas on the road (except my grandfather of course).
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
        keyword *magnet*
        by irni(
        gfd messagesAIMYahooMSN
        on Feb 8, 2003 09:36:15 PM
        that is what his cars are. It is just the law of suck. My wife's car is a magnet too. She has been rear ended twice, my parents backed into her car... and even I backed into her car (i was REALLY tired and forgot to move her car from behind mine one morning) Luckily I only cracked her license plate frame.
        [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
        its very strange
        by NotLad(
        gfd messages
        on Feb 8, 2003 11:56:05 PM
        i've never been hit while i was in the car. my cars only get hit while stationary in parking lots.
        [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
    by irni(
    gfd messagesAIMYahooMSN
    on Feb 6, 2003 04:21:33 PM
    that is the most GFD GFD I have read. I have dents in my 2000 Acura Integra GS-R now... I can't have anything nice. And I am pissed about the dents.. but I just leave them there. But I would just got nuts if the above kept happening to me.
    [Reply to this comment]
    So very very long
    by GMFTatsujin(Ask and ye shall receive)
    gfd messagesAIM
    on Feb 6, 2003 04:22:58 PM
    ...and so very very worth it. Every word was like was an ocean of rageful ambrosia.

    Damn, dude, I'm hurting for ya.

    Me, I try to stay away from nice things, knowing that I can't have them for long. My shit has a history of getting busted up at the drop of a pin, no matter what kind of care I take or warnings I issue. People just dis my stuff, and I've resigned to the fact that monkeys like to break things.

    So I buy stuff that works the way I want, first and foremost. After that comes looks. The only exception lately has been my little '97 EasyNow PC which I bought for the case, but is loaded to the gills with shitty hardware.

    The things I really love are buried deep in the closet, far from prying eyes and butterfingers. When we get a house that's big enough, they'll find a home in a plexiglass case surrounded with barbed wire and hooked up to an ejection module (in case of house fire, my babies will be safe). Guard dogs will be put in place, and retinal eyescans will be required just for the pleasure of looking at them in awe and wonder from afar.

    Until then, my die-cast, detachable, transforming Voltron will be safe and sound in a cardboard box. Innocuous.

    Dynatherms activated! Megathrusters are go! (Shhhhhh! Tee hee hee!)
    [Reply to this comment]
      you wanted to KEEP that stuff at the back of the closet?
      by SlickyPink(
      gfd messagesAIM
      on Feb 6, 2003 04:26:17 PM
      I took that stuff to Goodwill a month ago because it was just toys you didn't even play with (they're still in their packaging, for gosh sakes) and comic books and stuff.
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
        Nice try
        by GMFTatsujin(Ask and ye shall receive)
        gfd messagesAIM
        on Feb 6, 2003 04:49:41 PM
        That's almost as credible as you saying you're going to leave the house in the first place. :)
        [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
          Wait, does that mean
          by SlickyPink(
          gfd messagesAIM
          on Feb 6, 2003 06:06:16 PM
          That if I leave the house for the sole purpose of selling your treasures, you'll forgive me because I mustered the effort to shed my shut-in-ness?
          [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
    by Microsoft Bob(
    gfd messagesAIMICQ
    on Feb 6, 2003 06:38:52 PM
    Simply hilarious. It makes me want to write about my "car troubles".

    I'm on the second car I've ever owned, both of which were used, and the one I'm in now is "well" used. And I've been rear ended three times and side swiped once on it.

    My Dad, who drove the Jeep before me, was hit by a semi, cop, drunk driver, and pickup while he drove it, and I think my step mom added a couple more hits to it. That's at least 10 accidents in the fuckin' thing. Ten!

    Now, depending on the state, they're required to make it as close to how it was as possible-- If it takes you ten trips to eight different body shops, if they don't fix it all the way, there's liability on their part (if something happens to you) *AND* if you aren't satisfied, you can bring it up with *YOUR* insurance, who *WILL* get everything working and bill it to the person at fault, or their insurance...

    After all my experiences, I pretty much know every way they try and gip you. Granted, some used parts are fine, but *ANYTHING* that affects the ride of the car (chassis, motor, transmission, gears) that gets damaged, demand a brand new one. And don't sign *ANYTHING* from the other insurance company/body shop before you are fully satisfied.-- Once you sign it, you're screwed

    [Reply to this comment]
    by bean
    gfd messages
    on Feb 6, 2003 11:32:46 PM
    you sure tell a damn good story.
    [Reply to this comment]
    by Skewfield(bean makes me fart)
    gfd messagesAIM
    on Feb 7, 2003 12:01:14 AM
    i have a similar plight, i had a 1998 ford F-150, that was technically owned by my dad, but was "mine." while i had this truck, it was backed into a pylon, had a tree dropped on it, and my lovely brother decided he was going to stand on the fender and knocked a big dent in it. My dad borrowed it and took it to some Boy Scouts of America (tm) thing and the little dumbfucks picked up a big water can out of the back and slung it into the side of the cab, leaving a nice little dent behind the driver's door. they drove it through some bushes and scratched the paint up. some fuckhead opened his car door into the fender so hard it left a big dent. they drove it behind some freaking dumptruck and it caught a huge rock on the hood and windshield.

    well, here's the kicker. in december we had a huge ice storm and a 12" diameter pine tree dropped on the bed. so the dealer bodyshop keeps my car for over a fricking month, but they finally fix most of the shit.
    the truck came home, and i've put less than 100 miles on it since.
    [Reply to this comment]
    by Cheeselog
    gfd messages
    on Feb 10, 2003 10:33:01 AM
    That sucks, son.
    And I thought the totaling my 13-year-old Ford Taurus, at the hands of some cheese-eating West Philly dwelling slum village stepchild was bad. Or, earlier, when a rogue Philly hot dog truck backed into this "ride", which I affectionately named Klaus the Obese Road Sow.
    Actually, Nintari, you got off light.
    Last year I came into work and took a gander at the Asbury Park Press. Splayed out over the middle of the front page was a black Trans-Am, same year and color as your vehicle.
    The problem: the driver had flown the car upside down and backwards into oncoming traffic on the Garden State Parkway.
    The driver? A red smear on the highway.
    The passenger? Ejected through the rear window, then run over a bunch of times.
    The car? Upside down and smoking.
    [Reply to this comment]
    Dumb kids
    by Pxtl(
    gfd messages
    on Jul 11, 2003 09:55:15 PM
    This is why I'm a bus person. Personally, I believe that 95% of cars should be blown up as soon as they leave the lot. That'll keep jobs up, but greatly reduce the number of stupid fucks on the road.

    What bothered me the most was the 3rd time month shit. That kid deserves a Darwinean experience. My fiancee lost her car after her first collision - daddy wouldn't pay insurance for that crap. I have had one accident, and learned. Nobody should be hitting people that much. Some kids just do not belong on the road - cops don't enforce the unsafe driving rules enough, all they give a shit about is speeding. My best friend's little brother, who is not even 20, has lost no less then 2 good cars to his own stupidity. Stupid little shits
    [Reply to this comment]
      I knew a kid...
      by Microsoft Bob(
      gfd messagesAIMICQ
      on Jul 11, 2003 10:06:55 PM
      who went through like six cars-- All either brand new or "collectors muscle cars"
      THe most expensive? a BMW. a 65 mustang. At least one camaro, at least two pontiac versions of a camaro-- Alll brand new besides the mustang, all totalled, plus more (the wised up after the BMW).

      Yes. I hate other drivers
      but I tend to hate a lot of people
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
        by Pxtl(
        gfd messages
        on Jul 12, 2003 01:39:03 AM
        People like that should be made to go through every one of the most excruciating life experiences of every the 10 other people who could've used the money they wasted on cars for a college education, but instead live in a van down by the river.

        If there's any justice the kid will waste money his whole childhood, then go on to raise destructive psychopaths in suburbia, hating the mediocre turd his pampered life has become, the asexual blob his wife has become, and the SUV he got so he could have one last chance to fuck the planet.
        [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
    god fucking dammit
    by godfuckingdamit
    gfd messages
    on Nov 28, 2005 04:46:11 PM
    u poor bastead i would have fucked both timmys up period!
    [Reply to this comment]
    OMFG dunce
    by sirensez(
    gfd messages
    on Feb 26, 2006 01:21:32 AM
    I peed a little. Hilfuckinglarious.... I love how you can put the word 'fuck' smack dab in the middle of other words.
    [Reply to this comment]
    Rice rocket! Brum brum!
    by ElChuloPicante
    gfd messages
    on Jun 29, 2006 02:39:06 AM
    I drive a little aluminum foil Toyolla in a college town. I feel your pain, even though my car is stupid and should, as far as I can tell, be hit by 3 car doors per week, rear-ended over and over, shat on by goddamned garbage-fed birds (one of which laid an egg on the hood, inexplicably), ticketed for parking in my driveway, and pissed on by drunks every time I park to go to work. They aim for the handles, by the way, but it's fun when you catch them.
    [Reply to this comment]
    by The Gaborg(Sidekick in my own life)
    gfd messages
    on Jun 29, 2011 02:54:30 PM
    Classic GFD is classic.
    [Reply to this comment]

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